To the Editor:
At this time I would like to announce my candidacy for the mayor of Brooklyn Park. Sure, I know it’s ridiculously early, but every other politician and wannabe is already secretly campaigning. So this just proves how honest I am. I will support the liberals, while leaning conservative. I am also kind to kids and pets.
My agenda — I would like to change the title of mayor to “Hizzoner.” And I’d like to rename our fair suburb Little Chicago. This will get us some respect. All doing business with city hall will have to pay to play. This means no tax increases, and possibly rebates.
But the big issue is the consumption of adult beverages. I will work hard to open a municipal liquor store 24-seven and 365 days a year for the convenience of our citizens. All profits will go to widows and orphans.
Now, I’m against the German drink that poisons the mind, destroys the liver and causes sinners to sin more. But I’m for a six-pack lite for Vikings football, gin and tonic on hot summer days and cabernet for the holidays and all special occasions.
This is my position for now, and I will not compromise.